THE SPROXTON PLAY  A Wooing Play                  Go to THE STONY PLAY A Combat Play

BACKGROUND
In the East Midland Counties of Linconshire, Leicestershire, Nottinghamshire and Rutland, the ceremony took a very distinctive form, best called the Wooing Ceremony. Unlike the Hero-Combat versions which attracted comment at an early date, these seem to have escaped notice. It may be that their survival in only a small area of the country prevented them from being better known. Whatever the reason, the earliest known example is from Bassingham in 1823, contained in the Hunter Collection in the British Museum. The version contains all the ingredients of those existing later in the century, and can be defined as follows:-
                  The Wooer of a young "Female" is rejected in favour of a Clown and enlists in the army. The Clown is occasionally accused of being the father of a bastard child of an older "Female" which he denies. The action continues with a champion overcoming an opponent who is revived by a doctor. Much of the action is expressed in song. Characteristic performers include the Recruiting Sergeant, Ploughboy, Lady, Clown and Dame.
(From "The English Mummers Play" by Alex Helm)

This text is the only one known which had been collected in full with the music for the songs. It has not, however, the Bastard incident, but as the performances were by children in its final days, the passage may have been deliberately omitted. In the 1890's it was acted by adult farm labourers, and was taken up by the children between 1905-8. It was performed on 'Plough Boy Night' in early January, and for some weeks prior to the performance, they practised in a pig-sty with straw on the floor.
(We practice in Vicki's very nice house with carpets on the floor)

Characters:- Fool - Sergeant - Farmers Man - Lady - Molly - Bold Tom - Lame Jane - Music Jack - Beelzebub - Doctor

FOOL            In comes I who's never bin yet
                      With my big head and little wit
                     My head is large, and my wit is small
                      I can act the fool's part as well as you all.
                      Okum, pokum, France and Spain
                      Walk in Sergeant all the same

SERGEANT   In comes I the Recruiting Sergeant
                       I've arrived here just now
                       I've had orders from the king
                       To enlist all jolly fellows that follow the carthorse at plough
                       Likewise tinkers, tailors, peddlers, nailers, all that take to my advance
                       The more I hear the fiddle play, the better I can dance

FOOL            Faith lad, think I've come hear to see a fool like you dance?

SERGEANT  Yes Tommy, I can dance, sing or say.

FOOL            If you can dance, sing or say, well I'll quickly march away

(Dance performed here. A shortened version of Nutting Girl)

FARMERS MAN
                      In comes I the Farmer's Man
                      Don't you see my whip in hand ?
                      When I go to plough the land I turn it upside down.
                      Straight I go from end to end
                      I scarcely make a balk or bend
                      And to my horses I attend
                      As they go marching round the end
                      I shout " Come here, jee woah back ".

LADY          (song)

FARMERS MAN  (song)

LADY         (song)

ALL SING   We'll shake hands, and we'll make bands and we'll get wed tomorrow.

MOLLY       In comes I, old Molly, sweeping up.
                     Merry, Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year
                     Pocket full of money and a cellar full of beer
                     I had six children last night, bred them up in a tinder box
                     I had a slice of  bread and lard given me the night before
                     I eat all that myself
                     Don't you think I'm a jolly old Mother to them all?

BOLD TOM
                     In comes I Bold Tom a brisk and nimble fellow
                     Forty gallons of your best ale will make us nice and mellow
                     A piece of your pork pie. For believing me I'm telling no lie
                     For we're all hungry as well as dry.

LAME JANE
                     In comes I Lame Jane, with a neck as long as a crane
                     Once I was a young maid, now I'm a down old widow
                     A wig behind and a wig before
                     Ware out my lads and I'll sweep the floor

(Molly and Lame Jane perform Broom dance)

MUSIC JACK
                      In comes I old Music Jack
                      I'll give you a tune before I go back

(Two verses of The Holly and The Ivy & Chorus)

FOOL           Stop stop stop to me old flip flaps.
                     I want to ask some of you old riff-raff to me and my old girl's wedding
                     What you like best you'd better bring with you
                     I don't know what you like best
                     Some like fish, some like flesh, some like fruit and frummity
                     What me and my old gel likes best we're going to have.

ONE OF THE OTHERS (or several, or all)
What's that Tommy?

FOOL          A barley chaff dumpling buttered with wool
                    Cut up in slices fit to choke an old bull
                    If your saucy old flats ain't satisfied with that, you'd better go without
                    So right away lads, we'll get wed tomorrow

ALL SING AS BEFORE
We'll shake hands, and we'll make bands and we'll get wed tomorrow.

BEELZEBUB
                   In comes I Beelzubub
                   Over my shoulder I carry my club
                   In me 'and a drip leather pan
                   Don't you think I'm a funny old man?
                   Any man or woman in this room dare stand before me?

FOOL        Yes, I darest, 'cos me 'ead is made of iron
                   Me body's made of steel
                   Me hands are made of knuckle bone
                   No man can make me feel

BEELZEBUB
                  What? I don't care if your 'ead is made of iron
                  Your body made of steel
                  Hands are made of knuckle bone
                  I can make you feel
                  I'll smish you, smash you as small as flies
                  Send you to Jamaica to make mince pies

(Hits him with a club then hits on shoulder. Fool falls to ground as if helpless)

FARMERS MAN
                 Oh Belzie, Oh Belzie, what hast thou done?
                 Thou's killed the finest man under the sun
                 Here he lies bleeding on this cold floor
                 Faith never to rise no more
                 Five pounds for a doctor

BEELZEBUB
                 Ten pounds for him to stop away
                 What's the good of having a doctor to a dead man?

FARMERS MAN
                 Sixteen pounds for him to come in
                 Step in doctor

(The doctors at the door)

DOCTOR Whoa, boys, hold my horses head by the tail and mind he don't kick you, he's only a donkey
                I'll show you the bright side of a shilling when I come out again
                  In comes I the doctor

SERGEANT
                You a doctor?

DOCTOR Yes, I a doctor

SERGEANT
                 How became you to be a doctor?

DOCTOR I travelled for it

SERGEANT
                Where did you travel?

DOCTOR England, France, Ireland and Spain
                 And I come back to old England again
                 Just below York ther I cured an old woman called Cork
                 She fell upstairs, downstairs, over a half empty teapot full of flour,
                 and grazed her shin-bone above her right elbow, and made her
                 stocking leg bleed, I set that and made it straight again.

SERGEANT
                 What else can you cure?

DOCTOR Ipsy Pipsy Palsy and gout
                 Pains within and pains without
                 Set a tooth or draw a leg
                 And almost raise the dead to life again

SERGEANT
                You must be a very clever doctor
                You'd better try your experience on this young man.

DOCTOR
                Just wait while I take off my big top hat, kid gloves,
                and corduroy walking stick, and I feel this man's pulse

(Then he bends down, picks up his foot, and "takes his pulse" )

                This man's pulse beats nineteen times to the tick of my watch,
                he's in a very low way indeed, couldn't be much lower without digging a hole
                He's been living on green tater tops for three weeks all but a fortnight
                This morning he tried to swalloe young wheelbarrow for his breakfast
                Tried to cut his throat with a rolling pin
                I'll stop him from all them tricks
                Give him some of my old riff raff down his chiff chaff
                That'll make him rise and fight
                Also I'll give him some of my epsy doansum pills, take one tonight,
                two in the morning, and the box tomorrow dinner time
               If the pills don't cure digest, the box will
               If he can't dance, we can sing,
               So let's rise him up and we will begin

ALL SING
              Good mister and good misteress as you sit round your fire
              Just Think of us poor plough boys that work through mud and mire
              The mire is deep so very deep we travel far and near
              We'll ask you for a Christmas box and a pitcher of your best beer

             We're not the London actors that act upon the stage
             We are just country ploughboys that work for little wage
             We're not the London actors, I've told you so before
             We'll wish you all goodnight friends, and another happy new year.

End with 'We wish you a merry Christmas' during which the collection takes place.

THE STONY PLAY A combat Play
This is known as The Stony Play not because it originates from Stony Stratford, but because it is an amalgam of several different plays which we have cobbled together to produce a new play, and introduced elements of our own as well.

Characters:- Open Your Door - St George - Bold Slasher The Turkish Knight - Guier - Doctor - Jack Finney - Oliver Cromwell - Beelzebub - Miser - Big Head

All enter Singing "Old Woman Tossed Up"
Oh there was an old woman tossed up in a blanket
99 miles beyond the moon
And under one arm she carried a basket
And under the other she carried a broom
Old Woman old woman old woman cried I
Oh wither Oh wither Oh wither so high
I'm going to sweep cobwebs beyond the sky
And I'll be back with you bye and bye


OPEN YOUR DOOR
                       Room, room, give me room to rhyme
                       Open your door and let us in
                       We beg your favour for to win
                       Whether we rise stand or fall
                       We'll do our duty to please you all
                       We are come to show you our activity this Christmas time
                       Active youth and active age
                       The like was never acted on any stage
                       And if you don't believe what I say
                       Enter in St George and clear the way

ST. GEORGE
                      In comes I St. George a noble champion bold
                      Twas I who fought and won three crowns in gold
                      Twas I who fought the fiery dragon and bought it to it's slaughter
                      And by this means I won the Queen of Egypt's daughter
(points to clenched fist)
                      Here's England's right - here's England's wrong
                      I fought them all courageously
                      And still have gained the victory  and will always fight for liberty
                      Here I draw my bloody weapon, show me the man who dare me stand
                      I'll cut him down with my courageous hand

BOLD SLASHER THE TURKISH KNIGHT
                      I am the man that dare you challenge
                      A man of courage bold
                      And if thy blood is running hot
                      I'll quickly fetch it cold
                      My head is made of cannon balls
                      My body's made of steel
                      My arms and legs of the first class brass
                      I challenge thee to feel

ST. GEORGE
                      Who are yopu but a silly lad?

BOLD SLASHER
                       I am Bold Slasher the Turkey champion
                       From Turkey land came I to fight you - the great St. George by name
                       I'll hash you and smash you as small as a fly
                       And send you to Turkey to make mince pies baked in an oven
                       And after that I shall fight every champion in Christendom

ST. GEORGE
                       Bold talk, Bold Slasher, bold talk I am sure
                       Now draw forth your sword and fight
                       Draw forth your purse and pay
                       Satisfaction we will have before you go away

BOL SLASHER
                       My sword it is already drawn, no money will I pay
                       Satisfaction I will have before you go away
                       (They fight)

ST GEORGE
                      Stand off - stand off, for your time draws nigh

BOLD SLASHER
                      No! Stand off you English dog for now yot die
                      (St George falls)

OPEN YOUR DOOR
                      Oh cruel cruel Moselmum
                      See what thou hast done
                      Thou hast killed and wounded mine only son
                      Walk in Guier with your face like fire
                      And see what thou canst do with this villain

GUIER           I am Guier, Guier is my name
                      Of English nation bred and claim
                      I've searched this country round and round
                      To find King George ten thousnad pounds
                    (Turns to Bold Slasher)
                   Battle to battle with thee I call
                      To see who no this ground shall fall
                   (They fight, Guier disarms Bold Slasher who falls to his knees)

BOLD SLASHER
                      Pardon O Pardon me I crave and I will be your T urkish slave

GUIER          Go home, go home you copwardly snipe
                      And tell them what champions in England do dwell
                      And if anyone should comeover from France
                      I'll stand on the white cliffs of Dover and dance
                   (Guier dances)

OPEN YOUR DOOR
                      Horrble! terrible!
                      Is there a doctor to be found to cure this man of his deadly wound?
                      Doctor , doctor £10 for a doctor

DOCTOR (Holding hobby horse)
                      I am a doctor good and rare
                      I've travelled this country far and near

OPEN YOUR DOOR
                      How camest thou to be a doctor

DOCTOR     By my travels Sir!

OPEN YOUR DOOR
                     And what countries have you travelled most noble doctor

DOCTOR    Italy, Sicily, France and Spain
                    Three times to the world and back again

OPEN YOUR DOOR
                    No further?

DOCTOR   Why yes Sir a great deal further

OPEN YOUR DOOR
                    How much further?

DOCTOR    From the fire side, upstairs and back again

OPEN YOUR DOOR
                    What parts do you come from most noble doctor?

DOCTOR   A fortnight beyond the leather windmill where they digs ducks,
                   shears owls and leads blind geese to water in timber chains.
                   I went down a long narrow broad short lane and there I met a
                   pigsty tied to an elder bush built with apple dumplings and
                   thatched with pancakes.
                   I knocked at the maid and the door came out and asked me
                   if I could eat a glass of beer and drink a crust of bread and cheese.
                   I said thank you kindly but I meant no please.
 

OPEN YOUR DOOR
                  What pains can you cure most noble doctor?

DOCTOR   The hipsy, pipsy, the palsy and the gout
                   If the old mans in I'll furk him out.

OPEN YOUR DOOR
                   What's thy fee doctor?

DOCTOR   Well £10 is my fee
                    But I must take fifteen of thee before I set this gallant free

OPEN YOUR DOOR
                    Rather a high fee doctor!

DOCTOR   Well as you are a poor man I will throw off a farthing
                    That will make it fourteen pounds nineteen shillings
                    and eleven pence three farthings
                      (looks round)
                 Jack! where's Jack?
                    Walk in Jack Finney and hold my horse

JACK FINNEY
                    My name aint Jack Finney
                    My name aint John Finney
                    Me name's Mister Finney and I'm a man of great strenght
                    Cured an old magpie of toothache yeaterday

OPEN YOUR DOOR
                   Oh yes, how's that

JACK FINNEY
                   Well I twisted his old head off, throwed his body in a dry ditch
                   and drowned him
                   Then I went off the morrow, about ten days after, picks up this
                   little magpie, rammed me arm down it's throat, turned him inside
                   out and made as good a magpie as ever walked on a pair of patterns

DOCTOR   Hold my horse Jack Finney

JACK FINNEY
                   Will he bite?

DOCTOR   No

JACK FINNEY
                   Will he kick?

DOCTOR   No

JACK FINNEY
                   Takes two to hold him

DOCTOR   No

JACK FINNEY
                   Hold him yerself then!

DOCTOR   What's that you saucy young rascal?

JACK FINNEY
                    Got him fast by the tail Sir

DOCTOR   Good, rack him up with a faggot and fuzz, and give him a bucket
                   of ashes to drink. Then rub him dry with a wet snowball

JACK FINNEY
                    Do it yerself Sir

DOCTOR   What's that you saucy young rascal?

JACK FINNEY
                    I'll do it myself Sir

OPEN YOUR DOOR
                   Now see what this young man wants doing to

DOCTOR   (Examines St George)
                  Well Sir, he wants a tooth drawn and a little wind put into him
                  Jack Finney fetch my tooth drawing tack

JACK FINNEY
                  Fetch it yerself Sir

DOCTOR  What's that?

JACK FINNEY
                   I'm going as fast as I cvan Sir
                (Jack Finney throws implements on the floor)

DOCTOR   Well what do'st you want to throw 'em down there for?

JACK FINNEY
                    For thee to pick 'em up

DOCTOR   What's that you saucy young rascal?

JACK FINNEY
                    For me to pick 'em up

DOCTOR   Well pick 'em up and be quick about it

                 (Jack Finney and Doctor draw tooth from St Georges mouth)
Stony Stratford Mummers use a large wooden tooth onto which are tied 2 walnuts
on a long piece of string  (a deep root!)

JACK FINNEY
                  Be it out Sir?

DOCTOR   Looks more like a Jackass tooth than a Christians
                   Now I have a little bottle in my left hand waist coat
                   pocket called Okum Pokum
                   Here jack take a little of my nip nap, put it in your snip snack
                   Rise up Jack and fight again
                      (St. George arises)
                Ladies and gentlemen standing round
                   See I've cured this man safe and sound
                   I've healed his wounds and cleansed his blood
                   And gave him something that done him good
                   Aint I Jack?

ST. GEORGE
                   Yes and I liked it too. Come in Beelzebub

BEELZEBUB
                   In comes I old Beelzebub
                   And on my back I carries my club
                   And in my hand the dripping pan
                   I thinks myself a jolly old man
                   Last Christmas night I turned the spit
                   I burnt me finger and felt it itch
                   The sparks flew over the table
                   The pot-lid kicked the ladle
                   Up jumped spit jack like a mansion man
                   Swore he'd fight the dripping pan with his long tail
                   Swore he'd send them all to jail
                   In comes the grid iron, if you can't agree
                   I'm the justice bring um to me

MISER       In comes I the old miser with all me old rags
                   For wants of money I am forced to cadge
                   My pockets are lined with cat skin
                   And they're getting very thin
                   So I would like a little of your Christmas money
                   To line them well within

BIG HEAD
                   In comes I old Big Head
                   With me big head and me little wits
                   Me heads so big and me wits so small
                   So here is a rhyme to please you all

                  (To the tune of 'The Red Flag')
                           Father died the other night and left me all his riches
                            A wooden leg, a feather bed, a pair of leather breeches
                            A cooffee pot without a spout, a jug without a handle
                            A guinea without a wig, and half a farthing candle
                   Sing brothers sing

ALL SING
                 The Holly and the Ivy
                 When they are both full grown
                 Of all the trees that are in the wood
                 The holly bears the crown
                          The rising of the sun
                          And the running of the deer
                          The playing of the merry organ
                          Sweet singing in the choir
                 The holly bears a blossom
                 As white as the lilly flower
                 And Mary bore sweet Jesus Christ
                 To be our sweet saviour
                   ------------------------------------------------
                 Christmas is a-coming and the goose is getting fat
                 Please put a penny in the old mans hat
                 If you haven't got a penny a ha'penny will do
                 If you haven't got a ha'penny well God bless you